Who do you say I am?

The question arose recently in my Bible study asking how much I trust God. There was a staircase on the page with the top stair labeled 'Trust Him with everything' and the bottom stair labeled 'No trust.' We were asked to place ourselves somewhere on that staircase.


I looked at those stairs and I realized there are areas where I have seen and experienced God's work in my life, and therefore I trust Him completely. Like the area of finances and provision. I have seen God provide in so many miraculous ways over the last 15 years that I now believe He truly is Jehovah Jireh, my Provider.


But there are other areas where I have prayed and fasted for years, and not yet seen the breakthrough, the answered prayer. And so I doubt. Not that God can do it, but that for some reason He won't, and I guess somewhere deep down that doubt causes me to withhold my trust a little bit.

So I find my trust in God compartmentalized into the areas where I've seen and experienced His faithfulness, and the areas I haven't. Where I haven't, it's like little sections of my heart have dried and withered in disappointment, in unfulfilled dreams, in failed expectations. In those places I've slowly stopped hoping for God's miracles; I've stopped trusting Him to do the impossible.


Is that what they call a crisis of faith? Or is it just one result of years of waiting without reward?


As I began processing this with God, He asked me, "If I don't answer the prayers in the areas of your life where doubts have crept in...then what? Will you withdraw? Will you become bitter? Will you shut down certain areas of your heart to me? Will you judge me by the unfulfilled dreams of your life?"


I realized that I could say, "No, of course not!" to all those questions, but the reality is that I have already been withdrawing, becoming bitter, shutting down, and yes, judging God. Ouch.


Then God asked me a challenging question:

"Who do you say I am?"

I felt like Job, chastened. Faced with the hugeness of the Almighty God, I wanted to cower down and say, "Sorry, sorry." Who am I to withhold trust based on experiential proof? A modern-day Thomas, wanting to touch and see before believing.




Then God reminded me of the 5-fold Pledge of Faith that Beth Moore teaches in her Believing God Bible study series. The first part of the pledge starts with the thumb and declares, "I believe God is who He says He is."





So when God asked me again, "Who do you say I am?" I answered, "You are who you say you are."

He replied, "And who do I say I am?"


I've just been studying the names of God, and one by one they rolled through my mind:

Jehovah Rapha - the LORD who heals

Elohiym - Universal Creator

Jehovah Hoseenu - The LORD our Maker

Jehovah Nissi - The LORD is my Banner

There are many others, but the one that struck me most was YHVH - the LORD, the Great I AM.

God said, "I AM who I AM. There is none like me. Whether you believe by experience or not, I AM not only Covenant-Maker but Covenant-Keeper. I fulfill my promises. Don't separate the Me you know from the Me you don't know. I AM who I AM. Just because you haven't personally experienced the fullness of every aspect of Me doesn't mean those aspects aren't real. You have to take All of Me or none of Me, but you can't have part of Me. One day you will see the fullness of every aspect of Me in all My glory, but for now...believe, even though you do not see."

And I was reminded of the verses in Hebrews 11:

Faith is being sure of what we hope for, 

and certain of what we do not see. 

And without faith, 

it is impossible to please God, 

because anyone who come to him 

must believe that he exists

...that He IS...

and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him.

I feel the world shift under my feet as I take in afresh the realization that God is all that he says he is, and though I may not see every prayer answered the way I would like, it doesn't change the nature of who He is. For now, the best I can do is ask Him to strengthen my faith and enable me to trust Him more and more until that Day when the Lord Jesus is revealed, and all my questions fade away in the face of his glory.

(trying to) believe in the Promises of God

I'm sitting at the crossroads again, not sure which way to go. God made me a promise, but the fulfillment thereof is not yet.

In response to one of my many queries, God said that to wait for His promise is to receive Isaac, but to take another route to the fulfillment of God's promise is to receive Ishmael. In other words...do it my way and forfeit the true prize; let God do it His way in His timing and receive His promise.

The challenge for me at the moment is that there's a third way, a middle road between Isaac and Ishmael. And I can't decide whether it's a semi-Isaac or a semi-Ishmael or something altogether different.

Yet God was pretty clear in His promise. It's my puddle of faith that's muddy.

I know I'm not alone in trying to unravel the gnarled ball of yarn that is faith in God's promises. All sorts of things contribute to the tangled knot. The two I'm dealing with in this season are:

• Questions of whether or not I heard God correctly. This doubt goes right back to the Garden of Eden when satan craftily asked Eve, "Did God really say..."

• Questions of whether or not God's promise is actually my own desire masquerading as Truth. When the Word of the Lord is something I would never have thought of or don't particularly enjoy (ie. 'do a one-day fast every week'), it's easier to believe it's from God because it certainly isn't MY idea. But when the Word of the Lord sounds very much like my deepest dream, it's easier to suspect the Word may be nothing more than my longings.

Can God do what He says He will do?

Absolutely.

Will He do it in my case?

Yes, if He said He would, then He will.

Did He say He would?

I think so. 

But what if He didn't?

Therein lies the rub. 

Therein lies the temptation

 to doubt my ability to hear God, 

which affects my belief that 

God can make Himself heard.

If I believe God speaks, and I believe God can make Himself heard above the groaning of the world, and in the same breath I doubt whether I heard him or not, then it undermines my belief that He can make Himself heard, which undermines my belief that I can hear God, which potentially undermines my belief that God speaks. See the danger?

What I must remember is this:

God speaks.

God wants to communicate with me.

God is bigger than my ability to hear.

God can and will make His ways known to the one who is willing to know them.

And follow them.

Which is the harder part. 

If God makes His way known, and I choose not to follow it, is the wrong with God for not opening the door sooner, or with me for not being patient to wait for the door to open?

Yes, that's how I feel. It's like I'm in a room with 3 doors: the door marked 'Isaac' is closed; the door marked 'Ishmael' stands fully opened; the door in the middle is ajar.

Which door?

"Wait for Isaac!" my heart cries.

"But what if the middle door leads to Isaac?" my brain counters.

"Is that what God is saying?" my heart asks.

So I sit on the floor in the room before the doors and wait.

Is this a test of faith?

Undoubtedly.

But even more to the point, I believe it's a test of faithfulness. God's faithfulness to fulfill His promise; my faithfulness to wait for Him to do it His way.

How painful is the waiting! In the beginning I had peace. Now hope wavers like a candle flickering in the wind. It struggles to stay burning, to fight the good fight, to never give up. But the wind blows stronger and the rain spits and the candle burns lower.

Does God know the length of my wick?

I want to please God with unwavering faith; I want it to be credited to me as righteousness. I've asked Him many times to increase my faith, and I suspect this is how He does it...by testing it.

By making it wait. 

Faith isn't faith unless it believes in something only God can do and trusts Him to do it. But it's costly, that kind of faith. It separates marrow from bone and gets to the heart of the matter...what do I believe about the nature and character of God?

Corrie ten Boom said, "Never be afraid to trust an unknown future to a known God."

Do I know God enough to trust Him with the future of my deepest dream?

I hope so.

Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "All I have seen teaches me to trust the Creator for all I have not seen."

Have I seen God at work in my life?

Most definitely. Without a doubt.

Perhaps most compelling of all is the anonymous quote scratched into the cement wall in Auschwitz concentration camp by a Jewish prisoner:

"I believe in the sun, even when it's not shining,

I believe in love, even when I don't feel it,

I believe in God, even when He is silent."

I guess the real question isn't whether or not God is faithful to fulfill His promises; the real question is do I believe God is faithful to fulfill His promises.

Based on how far God has brought me, and the work He has done in my life, I have to say 'yes. God can do all that He says He can do, and He will fulfill His promises in my life.'

Let Your will be done, Lord.
Amen