Molding a lump of clay

Molding a lump of clay
I am a work in progress, molded by my Maker, refined by His fire, shaped with His love. Walk the journey with me.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Living, dying and trusting God in all of it

I just finished reading Randy Pausch's book, The Last Lecture. If you haven't heard of it, it's written by computer science professor, Randy Pausch, who delivered a 'last lecture' at Carnegie Mellon University on September 18, 2007. It seems to be normal practice for professors to deliver 'last lectures' in which they share any golden nuggets of wisdom as if it were their last chance to make an impact on the world. Normally this is hypothetical. In Randy's case, however, it WAS his last chance...he was dying of pancreatic cancer and given 3 to 6 months to live.

I read the book with a mixture of admiration (for his amazing attitude towards finishing the race well) and intense sadness (for his 3 little kids who will grow up without their Daddy, and his wife who will lose her best friend).

Because I'm a sucker for happy endings, I rushed to the internet to see if he had been miraculously healed, but sadly I read that he passed away on July 25, 2008.

This was probably not a very good time to read his book, because my husband is in Sudan right now in an unstable area and I am home with our 3 little kids trying desperately to trust God and not think about becoming a widow and watching my kids grow up without a Daddy. It's especially painful since I lost my own mom to cancer when I was 15, and growing up without her has been excruciating. I actually walked away from God for 13 years because I blamed Him for my mother's death and couldn't reconcile a good God with the tragedy of losing my mom.

Despite all that, the book is very inspiring and Randy really got me thinking about my own life and the legacy I will be leaving behind. Do I live my life as a Tigger (energetic, full of life and enthusiasm) or an Eeyore (always complaining, living under a perpetual dark cloud)?

I immediately picked up Dave Schmelzer's book,
Not the Religious Type.

In the very first chapter, Dave talks about hesed...a Hebrew word that means "mercy" or "kindness" when applied to God, and tells us two things: (1) God will keep His end of the deal, and (2) God will blow us away with shocking acts of kindness, love and power when we least expect them.

With fresh tear streaks on my cheeks and mascara smeared under my eyes from Randy's book, I was gently reminded of just how good God is, and has been, in my life. Yes, I lost my mother. Yes, it was, and still is, hard. Do I understand why? No. But what I do know is that God kept His end of the deal. He said in His word that He would never leave me, and He didn't...even when I tried to leave Him. He tagged along all 13 of those years, watching over me, wooing me back to Himself until I finally gave in and took Him back. Yes, He is faithful.

And since then...whoo! How many times has God not only met my needs, but gone over the top in blessing me...blowing me away with shocking acts of kindness, love and power? Sooooo many! I can't even recount them all.

I don't want to lose my husband...I can't hardly stand to think about it. But if the worst happened, would God still be good? Yes. Would it be hard? Obviously. But I can't walk through life in the grip of anxiety wondering if I'll be a widow and single mother tomorrow. I have to trust God and relax, knowing that if it does happen, He'll be there for me. He'll keep His end of the deal. And in the meantime, He's enjoying blowing me away with all those shocking acts of kindness, power and love.

Anybody need some of that?!


Roger Baillargeon said...

my name is Roger Baillargeon from Quebec Canada.

FIRST___I would like to send you a BIG Tom Up regarding Your Blog.It really got my attention. Hope You keep it up.

SECOND___Would You be kind enough to review my NEW Blog.I would appreciate Your comments on how I could improve it !

Also it would be a pleasure for me to stay in touch with you and share ideas and the like. If it's o.k. for You also send me a word

Thanks for taking the time to have a look...

My Best Regards,,,Roger B.

Roger Baillargeon (The Countryman)

Laurie Ann said...

Great book reviews. I'm praying for your husband!

Esthermay said...

I am Tigger in Eyeore's clothes most days!
I feel a glimpse of your heart here in this post -- I worry often about my husband's health. His father died at age 54 and my husband is 52. I play out the scenario in my head and I know that's satan attacking. Your book list is now on the "wishlist" page of my Daytimer.

My birthday's coming, so maybe husband will buy them -- If he only knew why. . .

Keep blogging, friend!
God is doing great things!!!
Now. . . go visit Roger's purse store!

Marysol said...

Hi Vikki,
Well I am adding those books to my list to read. On that note: have you heard about Amazon associates? Consider adding it to your blog. When you review a book, you put up a link to it through Amazon, and they give you a percentage. Its great!

On another thought, oh reading your thoughts on ever losing John, I can so identify with. I have only been married a little over a year, but already I have moments when it hits me, he COULD die. And I feel like I can't gasp for air just to think of it. Its been such a great reminder to me in those moments when we don't argee or see eye to eye, that life with out him would be so devasting. I'm really glad you brought this up. Its a great reminder even for the day to day perspective on marriage!


KT said...

If you want to actually watch him reprise his last lecture (and cry some more - like I did), go to this website...

I always look forward to you updating your blog. I enjoy reading about Arua. Maybe we'll meet in person one day. My family is praying about moving there next January.